Saturday, December 31, 2016

Corporate Work Doing Dishes

When I got my first few intellectual jobs (Linguistics), I was so PROUD that I was being hired for my brain.  (And told more people than I should have, who probably didn't think I should have been as surprised as I was)

Stage Managing in Theater was all about setting up the chairs, being the secretary and making the calls, an assistant, the maid.  The Servant.

I would have been lucky to make $70K a year.  (Even as the head Stage Manager of Hamilton.  Worse, there is NO job security from show to show.  Even if I had made it all the way, it would be $2k a week for 20 weeks a year...)

Corporate Work is just as bad in ways, and worse. My manager doesn't want me to write my own reports, he wants to look at my notes and sculpt it into a report of his own.

I was hired for my relationship skills, my degrees, my experience and felt like I was the mistress (Contractor) but now instead of being appreciated for who I am, I'm told that my whole job is to do dishes.


Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Waltham Traffic, 7:40am

There has been no sun or rise for the past two days.

Rain and fog, although no ice yet.but it will come.

I've stopped listening to the news since the election.

I sit in my car for an extra 10 minutes before I enter my work building.

10 minutes of music a day is all I get.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Haunted by Your Former Self

Drove by the old coffee shop in a taxi the other night. The building next to Grand Central is gone, and the view is gorgeous.
A hole in the sky.

And I can afford to take a taxi, and can afford to give a nice tip without worrying.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Rich People Complaining

One querulous woman kept complaining that the morning shuttle was late (15 minutes). Day of, and the day after. Needing to reaffirm her righteousness.
And she had a meeting in the afternoon, which she fell asleep to, but annoyed the rest of us. 

Walking to a 5:30 start, the girl who stopped me because she was high as a kite. The police were after her for peeing in the bushes at the NYPL. But she couldn't tell her father, back in the Netherlands.

Pleading with me, stuck in an expensive habit.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

I Can Be in Love With Almost Anyone

Somehow, at both sunrise and sunset, you can gaze at people and see how they could be beloved.

The homeless or working people, tired at the beginnings and at the ends of the day.

All the office workers in the city.  Possibly 10% in love at any given moment.

How many affairs, how many broken hearts?  How many of them in the first flush of friendliness?

How easy is it to fall in love with one person?  With 10?  With everyone on the subway?

Just planting the seed of the idea.

Try it.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

5 Days a Week

I forgot to account for the notion that 5 days a week of 9-5 is absolutely exhausting.

It's even worse when there are lots of rules and regulations. And when all of them are kept in the shadows, so you have a sense of trying to do things properly, but then not having any idea of what that means.

Contractors are 2nd class citizens. No travel, no being allowed to join "employee groups", (even if I end up contributing).  And there is no loyalty and no sense of accomplishment.  And seeing your co-workers being burned.  And trying to support J, when she wants her ego stroked, but she is hesitant to sneak me past the hotel staff in the lobby. (Rolling my eyes)

Has she never been in a hotel before?  Or does she just not want to offer to share a hotel-then say so!  She encouraged me to get a hotel room, and to charge overtime to pay for it.  (BC me fraudulently charging the company for HOURS is less of a sin than sneaking me through the lobby)
We were invited to have dinner, but I have to get home before the last train.  I will try not to be too catty in the moment when I remind her why I have to miss dinner.

Funny to be pressured into paying by someone who has a REGULAR JOB, benefits, and job stability.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Tough Jobs

Watching an awards show right now.

So happy that Broadway celebrates the best of live storytelling.

Especially knowing how terrible the world can be (and was last night at 2am in Orlando).

Conflicting emotions.

Just be happy for the people who are happy.  And that you have those memories or working with them.

(And know that you will always be the Waitress.  The faceless, nameless one in the background, waiting to get your story told.  And sung. Stay strong and keep showing up)

Love is Love is Love is Love is Love

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Creature Comfortably Numb

When you brace yourself, like you are getting ready to dive into cold water.

When you hold your breath, and just envision getting out on the other side.

When you are eager to let your days go by, longing your life away, knowing that you are trying to save.

When it is all a video game, accruing duration points. 

All you hope is that it is all painless.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Slipping from the life you should be living

So, what is hell?

Sickness? When the depressed wanderings of last year seem to be an absurd memory. Of a time when you could walk endlessly.

Or knowing that you are leaving a life you love, for absurd reasons. Money or circumstance, or some such.

That vague and familiar feeling of being appreciated by a steady stream of people who approve of your ideas, as if you have laid them out clearly & beautifully. And if only you could keep at it. A tangible sense of THIS IS WHO YOU ARE, and your own Mom has no idea.

Or the urge you feel, maybe a pull towards someone. The tantalizing idea that maybe they feel it too. But not being able to say it. To say it out loud and wonderfully.

Wondering if this thing was true.

And then only having your own longing to live with. You, alone, your life, forcing the both of you to be alone.

Maybe needlessly. As if you only need to open the door, simple as that. But you cannot find where it could be.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

I Saw Him Beneath The Bridge

I saw him beneath the bridge.

He hadn't been there when I had passed the path along the river, but as I returned, I saw him leaning on the pale blue steel beam, standing on the platform of the cement footing.

He was wearing a long robe, which from a distance made me think he was homeless, or poor, or at the very least, crazy.  But when our eyes met, it suddenly occurred to me that his robe was made of a very fine material, and that this was a man I needed to speak to.

I called out to him, probably something vague, like "Hey!"  but it is also possible that it was more of a sound and less of a word.  He echoed me, whatever I had said, as if we were both speakers of a secret language.  We smiled and I began to approach him.

The bridge was anchored on a shore that was made up of rocks and grass, with cement gorwing up between the cracks.  I had to carefully pick my way towards him and he laughed and encouraged me, even when I had to jump over a very deep hole.

"Don't fall in!"  he cried and laughed and laughed and cried.  Every time I looked up at him, it seemed as if I hadn't gotten any closer to him, yet when I looked back to the path, it seemed as if I were very far indeed.  I began to wonder if it was all a joke, his way of reeling me in, to get me to come closer to him across some strange chasm of mystery or danger.

I slipped on some grass that had been growing on the cement ground, scraping my knee and tearing the knee of my jeans.  When I looked up, he was there, above me, a close up of his gentle smile.

"You stopped trusting me," he said.
"You stopped seeming trustworthy, " I said, trying to soften it with a laugh.
"Give me your hand, this ground is weaker than we realize," he extended his hand to me, and it seemed old and gnarled and furred.  More like a branch from an old tree, covered in moss.  I accepted it into my own hand, pulling on it as I raised myself and my bleeding knee.  Indeed, the hand was attached to this old man, who seemed stronger than the thin branches I had imagined he was made of.

"Do you always talk to strangers?" he asked, still holding my hand.
"Do you?" I was beginning to regret this encounter.  What were we going to do now?  Would he lead me to the forested area further down the path?  Would I ask to see the edge of the water?  Truth be told, I had wanted some form of courage to bring me to look directly at the water. I didn't think this stranger would be that kind of courage, but I was willing to accept him and his form.

I looked directly into his mouth and he said, "Do you like my robe?  I'm a performer in a theater troupe, I wear this to get into character,"
I smiled and didn't answer.  Was he trying to impress me, now?  I felt a little relieved that he was less than magical, less than mysterious, than he was just another human.

"I had thought your robe was magic.  It is very elaborate, at the very least, I thought you were too rich to be hanging out under a bridge,"  we both laughed at this and I was the one who led the both of us in the direction of the water.

"You can borrow it if you are cold,"  I heard him say as I pressed on towards the edge of the river.

"It's always nice to meet someone who has an appreciation for fine threads,"  he kept at it, kept after me, kept coming after me in a playful manner, almost skipping on the slippery cement and stones.

Before I knew it, my hand was in the water, and then, my foot.  The water was so lovely and the bridge so grand, it was as if the whole day had created a giant sculpture for me to enjoy.  Everything was at once moving and still, the clouds, the steel, the cement, and the flowing of the water, and even of his robe, rippling in the wind.

It was only after I turned him into a tree that I noticed my knee was not bleeding, in fact, that it had never been scratched at all.  Even my jeans were not torn anymore. I looked up at the robe waving on the branches and tried to remember the words to turn him back into a person.


Monday, February 29, 2016

Just when I think

Just when I think I have passed through my darkest periods, I hit another patch.

Is it about living in NYC or in Waltham?

Is it giving up to give in to Mom?  She's the only one who keeps telling me how much she wants my presence.

I don't have anyone else.  But I do feel the difference when I am paid attention to by other people, new friends, when I am liked for my personality.

People miss that version of me.

And so do I.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

The UNDER THE BRIDGE Gang

Under the Bridge
TRUE COLORS
Once upon a time,
there were a group of very nice people.
Who lived under the George Washington Bridge.
The New York side.
They were all VERY good swimmers.
There was a prostitute, an alcoholic, a soldier who carried a gun for 5 years and never fired once, but he never told anyone.  
They were all dirty, and the girl cut her own hair herself, and every day there seemed to be more of them.
The girl sings the song to the soldier.
She’s a mess, but she sings beautifully, and her personality opens up and you can see all the sides of her all at once.
And she tells the soldier that its the same way about what she sees when she looks at him.
That she sees the guy who DIDNt kill anyone, and the brave guy, and the sensitive boy before he left and the strong guy he is now.
Whenever anyone FALLS from the bridge, one of them dives in and brings them back.
They gather around every night, the fire in the barrel.  There is always a soup cooking.  
The soldier is a great cook.  And can tell a great joke.
He’s quiet, but can come in with great zingers.
They support each other, emotionally.  A good circle of friends.
Everyone forgets how exactly they got there.  But nobody really wants to leave.
It might be heaven, it might be hell.
Or maybe even a purgatory.  A halfway house.
A good place to stay, before you know what you are going to do.